Tiny Humans

Do you remember what it feels like to be a child?
I do...
I remember a million good things. Wonderful things.  Making mud pies, laughing, playing outside under the trees, learning, running, reading, multiplication tables, games, setting the table, going on vacation, being allowed to make choices, being hugged, being loved for my silliness, when my grandma bought me the dress I REALLY wanted, a silky nightgown, singing, jumping off a step stool, kittens, the tassels on the curtains that we were continually taking off when we weren't supposed to, sleeping in our new house for the first time, being excited, being nervous, being confused.
I also remember other times:
I also remember what it felt like when someone laughed at me, b/c I couldn't figure out a different door handle on a car and I was stuck inside.  I felt humiliated.
I remember what it felt like when an older cousin asked me what state I would want to live in and I said "West Germany" and they laughed at me because I didn't know the difference between a state and a country.
I remember when I was reading a book and a family member did the point and smirk "look at her pretending to read that book... no way she can read it."  but I could.  I was challenged and asked to read one word "kidnapped"... so I read the whole paragraph.
Each of these incidences happened between the time I was 4 & 7.
No one else probably remembers them, but I do.  To each person, they were just little daily happenings.  But they made me a little more wary.  Pay attention... every question is a trick.  Watch what everyone else is doing so you don't do the wrong thing and get laughed at.
See, I was used to being treated as a tiny human.  I was very blessed with parents that taught, listened and loved.
Please, remember that children are tiny humans.
They are not accessories to make you look good.
Tiny models for you to dress up and make into fashion statements.
They hear and see everything.
They have strengths and struggles.
They want* to be taught, hugged, loved.
They want* to feel secure.
They want* you to listen, explain, teach.
They want* to know Why? and How?
They want* to play and not worry.
They want* to explore.
They want* to be treated with respect, kindness and consideration.
They want* you to notice the things they do well.
They want* help with the things they find a struggle.
They want* to be silly and laugh.
They want* validation.
They want* to be able to depend on you.
They want* to be taught independence.
They want* to understand and be understood.
They want* you to be patient.
They want* to be reminded of how to act, not just scolded for forgetting.
They want* to be forgiven.
They want* to feel important.

You may think I don't know about children since I do not have children, but you must consider that I was once a child... and I remember.
If you do not remember what it was like, just think of how you like to be treated.
because, really, inside we are all still tiny humans.

*NEED

Music... the poetry of the heart...

I got my guitar out last night.
I played an easy version of "Skinny love."
I added an extra chord (Em) at the end of each line of the verse,
Just because I thought it sounded better.


I love music... LOVE.
Sometimes, music puts words to the feelings in your heart that your mouth cannot speak.

Songs have all types of messages;
covering the whole spectrum of emotions.

I love finding new songs.
I love singing.
LOVE singing.
I do not sing because I sing well...
I sing for the love of music.
I found these on Pinterest...

Seriously!  I think everyone should sing.
Aloud.
With heart.
Because it matters not how well, you sing.
But well it matters that you sing.

I sing all the time.
It makes people perceive you as happy...
I love singing by myself.
With others.
With music.
Without music.
Indoors.
Outdoors.
In echo-y stairwells.

Sing what is in your heart.
Sing a sad song.
Sing an old song.
Sing a children's song.
Sing for love.
Sing for joy.
Sing for peace.

Sing: for no one else can
sing your song...
with your voice...
from your heart.

The Lamb of God (warning: graphic images)

Easter time is here.  It should be a sober time.  A time for reflection, gratitude and definitely celebration.   It is a time of looking back to see forward.  Death, burial and resurrection.  This year, our Easter Service theme is "The Blood."  Signs of LIFE Praise (our sign team) is performing Kirk Franklin's song: Now, Behold the Lamb.  So many times, I go along through life, not really bringing to the forefront of my mind God's ultimate sacrifice for me. Obviously, I know about God's sacrifice.  (II Corinthians 5:21)  And he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin, that we might be made the righteousness of God in him.  But I don't always bring it forward into the limelight of my consciousness.

 

Some of the lyrics to the song are:  

Now, behold the Lamb.  The precious lamb of God. 

Born into sin, that I might live again.  The precious lamb of God.  

Holy is the Lamb.  The precious lamb of God.

Why you loved me so, Lord, I'll never know.  The precious Lamb of God.

...

Even when I broke your heart, my sins tore us apart.

But I'm standing right here, in the midst of my tears.

I claim you to be the Lamb of God.

New life can begin, because you washed away every one of my sins.

Whom the Son sets free, is truly free indeed.

I claim you to be the Lamb of God.

...

As I was contemplating this song, several things came to mind.  I am a very visual person, so as I was going over the lyrics, these are some thoughts that came to me. What is a lamb?  A  young sheep, correct?  Yes.  Typically when someone says lamb, our mind conjures up something similar to this:

This is NOT what the Bible is referring to when it mentions a lamb.  In the Old Testament, after Adam and Eve sinned, God made a plan for them to have their sins cleansed or rolled ahead.  Every year, they were required to bring a beautiful spotless lamb or goat or bull, the very best they had, to be offered as a sacrifice to God.  This was God's rule:  Blood is required for cleansing.  Hebrews 9: 22 states: And almost all things are by the law purged with blood; and without shedding of blood is no remission.  So, every year the people would bring a sacrifice and their sins would be rolled ahead or cleansed for that year... year after year after year.  This is the image that should come to mind when we think of the lamb in the context of Easter.  

It is not pretty.  

It is not pleasing to the eye.  

It is pain. 

Death.  

SACRIFICE.  

We want to look away.  

Hide our face from the gruesome reality.

Hebrews 10:3-4 states, But in those sacrifices there is a remembrance again made of sins every year. For it is not possible that the blood of bulls and of goats should take away sins.

The blood of animals could not permanently wipe sin away.  Something greater was needed.  It was time for the next phase of the plan of salvation.  God came down to earth and robed himself in flesh as the man, Jesus, that he would be the propitiation for our sins.  Propitiation means to satisfy the demands for righteousness.  Isaiah 64:6 states: But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags; and we all do fade as a leaf; and our iniquities, like the wind, have taken us away.   There is no way we could meet God's standards... so he himself made a way to bridge the chasm between God and man.  Jesus lived on the earth for 33 years and was without sin.  Perfect.  Spotless.  Blameless.

And yet, he took on himself, the weight of the sins of the world, past, present and future. 

John 1:29 The next day, John seeth Jesus coming unto him and saith:  Behold the lamb of God which taketh away the sin of the world.

Now, Behold the Lamb.  

Behold- to see or observe.

Look.  Observe.  See.  

Isaiah 53:3-7 states:  He was despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not.  

Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God and afflicted.  

But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned everyone to his own way; and the Lord hath laid on him the iniquity of us all.  

He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth: he is brought as a LAMB to the  slaughter, and as a sheep before her shearers is dumb, so he openeth not his mouth.

John 3:16-17, as we all well know, gives us the answer to the question we must all be asking now... Why?  Why did he do it?  Why did he die?  For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.  For God sent not his son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through him might be saved.

It was his great love.  There is a song that states:  His love for me had to be what held him on the cross.

My mind cannot comprehend such a love.  A love for every person, at every time, every where.  

His love is extended to:

Adolf Hitler

Victims of Nazi concentration camps

Pol Pot

Victims of Pol Pot's killing fields

Charles Darwin

Norma McCorvey (Roe of Roe v. Wade)

Gianna Jessen, abortion survivor

Unnamed aborted fetus

Me

* Insert own photo here*

And most assuredly, the person you see in the mirror.

He loves everyone.  Those who kill and those who are killed. He loves us whether we be rich or poor.  Sick or well.  Beautiful or less so.  He loves the whole and the maimed.  The angry and the hurting.  The happy and the blessed.  The lonely and broken.  The strong and young.  The frail and old. When he looks at humanity, individually or as a whole, he sees the possibility of what we can be, covered with his blood.  He looks with eyes of love, wanting, yearning for us to accept his gift. He covers with his blood.  He cleanses us from sin.  He has provided us with a choice to accept his gift, his wonderful precious gift, bought with his blood... the gift of eternal life. 

I hope this Easter, you will be reminded of the truth of these words. That you will look back to his gruesome sacrifice, so you can look ahead to eternal life.  I hope you will remember his death and burial with sobriety and his resurrection with hope and celebration.  He is alive.  He is risen.  He loves YOU!

Catching up.

Ok, so, I don't blog a lot.  If you are attempting to follow me, this is most likely to your benefit.  So, this is what has been going on.
I finished out last quarter (a bit of stress was involved in this process, as would be expected.)  Of course, finals fell on my work week.  Handy.  To my credit (?), I took Wednesday off and only called in one other day.  What is $$ anyways?  Grades are in... I didn't do too shabby.
After that, I headed off with my friend, Anjel, to Summit Conference in Spokane.   A lot of the people from my church were also going... it was shaping up to be a fun time.  Shopping, eating, church... the whole 9 yards.  Anjel and I get to Spokane, check in to our hotel, change clothes and head over to the conference.  Halfway through the first speaker I feel my stomach turn a little bit, so when he is done I head to the restroom... long story short, I throw up and spend the rest of the service sitting outside the bathroom on a bench with my little friend, Jacob Carlson (who was suffering from a sinus headache and extreme thirst).  The next 14 hours are spent rotating between the bed and the bathroom, in a state of dehydration and wishing I were at home.  Happily, my dad decided to come over for the Friday services, and like a good dad will, he ferried me around to Walgreens and then to find some soup. (I know my friends that were there would've happily helped me out, but I didn't want to impede on their fun)  I ate and was able to make the evening service, but decided to come home with my dad.  I slept all the way home in the car plus the next 15.5 hours.  Yay... what a great way to spend my spring break.

Sunday fared better.  I went to church service and directly afterwards, I headed over to pick up one of my dearest CLC friends from Sea-Tac airport.  She lives in Juneau, but had been down in Colorado and Wyoming visiting her husband and her mom's family.  As you can see, we went to the space needle and then went and ate at the Cheesecake Factory.  You know you're good friends when you haven't seen someone in 9.5 years and it's like you've never been apart.  I love you, Angela (Sharclane) Jack!

The Spring quarter started this week.  I am taking Microbiology and Organic Chemistry.  I am glad to report that one of my friends, Janet, also is in Microbiology.  It's always good to have friends in class.  I am wishing to replicate my grades from last quarter.... I know it will take a lot of diligence and hard work, but I think I can do it.  It's funny how just being back in the school swing had made me feel so much more prepared for this quarter as opposed to last quarter.  Prayers are still appreciated.

Next item to check of my list is EASTER SUNDAY.  I have been thinking a lot about this.  Look for another blog soon.  I am painting!  In church!  In front of EVERYONE! Yikes.  I am having to claim II Corinthians 12:9- And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for you: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.  Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest on me.  Because, honestly, I am not a painter or an artist of any sort.  At first, I was kind of freaking out, but I will do my part and depend on God to supply the rest.

My name is Rachelle and I'm a sinner.

I am sad.  So many things make me sad, it's sad.  I'm not going to say why I'm sad, because I don't always like sharing these very personal things on the internet, even though my blog only has four followers... I'm pretty sure you don't have to be a follower of this blog in order to read about me and why I'm sad and have an insight into my very heart.  Which thus gives you power.  I'm not really into giving power away today. However, the purpose of me coming here was not to write about my trust issues and sadnesses.  So, I shall dispense with my original purpose of coming to my blog and write the blog post I have been writing in my head all week. (Which, ironically, is about sharing and being transparent... c'mon, I'm a work in progress.)



I can be a very odd person.  I have come to understand that I do NOT see the world as other people see the world.  My brain works very differently than other peoples.  I am visual.  I like colors.  I assign patterns.  I have an imagination.  I split hairs.  I problem solve.  I look for loopholes... not necessarily to take them, but just to see if I can find them.  Anyhow, I said all that to get at the imagination part.  I have a very vivid imagination.  Sometimes, I can imagine something and it is so real, it makes me smile, laugh, cry, etc. So, the other day, I was reading some posts on fb, and I got this mental picture of myself, inside a circle of chairs.

*standing*

**deep breath**

***wobbly smile***

"My name is Rachelle... and I am a sinner"

There are other people sitting in the chairs all around. The chairs are have metal frames with vinyl cushions.  They are brown.  They have those little pegs and holes on the sides so you can connect all of them in a straight line.  The room has a white floor and dirty metal framed windows near the ceiling.  The sky is visible through the windows; it has been raining and the sun is breaking through the clouds and streaming light in patches on the floor.

I cannot see the people's faces... I don't even know if I looked.  I feel... transparent... shaky... a little uncertain.  I am laying myself on the line and I wonder how everyone will react.  Then, I remember... everyone else is here for the same reason I am.

I wonder, sometimes, if this is how the body of Christ should be.  The other day I heard the terms "saints" and "sinners" used.  It irked me.  Saints are dead Catholic heroes.  People pray to them and wear charms and tokens in hopes that these "saints" will protect them.  I am not a saint.  I'm not even a good person.  I am a sinner.  Sometimes, I get so sick of pretending.  

'Hi, my name is Rachelle and here is my good side." 

This does not benefit me.  This does not benefit others.  I make mistakes... big mistakes.  I fall flat on my face.  I am afraid.  I am weak.  Sometimes, I feel like all this good side business weakens the bonds we could have... as believers.  Is this the way things should be?  Everyone always hiding behind a smile?  Don't get me wrong,  I am not saying that we should mope around all the time.  All I'm saying is that perhaps, we should be as open with our faults as we are with our strengths.  I think the Bible supports me in this:  "Confess your faults one to another and pray one for another, that ye may be healed.  The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much."

"Hi, my name is Rachelle.  I have a problem, will you pray for me?"  

Sometimes, we judge a little too much when we should be praying.

Sometimes, we point at your mote instead of asking for help with our beam.

Sometimes, we should offer each other a safe place, instead of casting stones.

So, my friends... Here I am.

My ears will listen to your joys, fears and sorrows.

My eyes will cry tears of sharing, both laughter and pain.

My mouth will speak words of truth, like a balm, even if it shakes.

My heart will empathize, because I have been there too.

My arms will embrace as though my very soul could comfort you.

My soul will soar because of a trust shared.

And I will try to be more transparent and I will pray for you.

Because light shines more readily through a transparent object.

Oh, and please, pray for me.

School...

I used to like school... back when I was taking awesome classes like Math.  Stuff that made sense (and if you are me, you don't have to do the homework in order to get a good grade in the class... just take good notes and review them.)
Now, I have two classes: Chemistry(inorganic) and Biology(Majors Cellular).  I didn't ever realize that I didn't really like biology.  I thought of the two, I would like Biology better.  My chemistry class is one hour, four days a week, plus a two hour lab once a week.  My Biology class is three hours of lecture on Monday and one hour of lecture plus a two hour lab on Wednesday.  So, my school week goes like this: Monday: C- 1600-1700, B-1800-2100
Tuesday: C(lab) 1200-1400, C- 1600-1700
Wednesday: C- 1600-1700, B-1800-1900, B(lab)- 1900-2100
Thursday: C- 1600-1700
Thursday is my cake day.  The rest are BRUTAL.  Imagine sitting in a classroom for 3 consecutive hours, listening to a hurried lecture about cells, prokaryotes, eukaryotes, vesicles, DNA, amino acids, membranes, lysosomes, flagella... believe me, it makes me want to scream.  I take pages of notes and still miss about 30% of what is said. Imagine instead, sitting in a classroom, learning about elemental atoms and how they have these little guys that hang out in orbitals around a nucleus.  The little guys are called electrons and the elements always want to fill all their orbitals with these electron guys.  If they don't have enough on their own, they form alliances with other elements to fill their "valence" orbitals.  They can either share, give or take these valence electrons, depending on the other element and their polarity.  Imagine learning about all these crazy scientists that formed the theories about atoms and did numerous experiments to learn more about them.  Imagine rules, structure, straightforward, complex simplicity.
I'm not sure why, but I am really liking Chemistry and NOT Biology.
Both instructors are passionate.  Students in both classes are nice, well, I just talk to people regardless... :) Both instructors are reasonable.  
Perhaps it is my learning style.  Perhaps it is experience.  Perhaps I just need to buckle down and study more biology.  Perhaps it is sitting in a chair for three hours straight.  Whatever it is... this class is killing me.  However, Chemistry is looking good.

             

Needy

Today, I need affirmation.
I need someone to wrap their arms around me, hold onto me and tell me that everything is going to be ok.
Not just empty words... because they KNOW it is all going to be ok.
That everything will shake out in the end...
But I don't have any more twinkle lights...
And I don't know that it will.
They say everything you have done has brought you to this point.
I want to undo it all and start over...
Can I have a mulligan?
This is all too much.
Today, I need someone to tell me that I CAN work full time and go to school... 'cause I feel like everything is unravelling and I can't remember if that word is supposed to have only one l or two.
My brain is mushy and I feel like throwing up.

Today, I am sad.
How can I have lived for so long and made all the wrong choices?
Today, I wish I wasn't going to school.



Today, I wish.
Today, I need.
Today, I am...
And that is about all.
I want to rewind, I want to fast forward, I want to pause, I want to stop, I want to play.