School...

I used to like school... back when I was taking awesome classes like Math.  Stuff that made sense (and if you are me, you don't have to do the homework in order to get a good grade in the class... just take good notes and review them.)
Now, I have two classes: Chemistry(inorganic) and Biology(Majors Cellular).  I didn't ever realize that I didn't really like biology.  I thought of the two, I would like Biology better.  My chemistry class is one hour, four days a week, plus a two hour lab once a week.  My Biology class is three hours of lecture on Monday and one hour of lecture plus a two hour lab on Wednesday.  So, my school week goes like this: Monday: C- 1600-1700, B-1800-2100
Tuesday: C(lab) 1200-1400, C- 1600-1700
Wednesday: C- 1600-1700, B-1800-1900, B(lab)- 1900-2100
Thursday: C- 1600-1700
Thursday is my cake day.  The rest are BRUTAL.  Imagine sitting in a classroom for 3 consecutive hours, listening to a hurried lecture about cells, prokaryotes, eukaryotes, vesicles, DNA, amino acids, membranes, lysosomes, flagella... believe me, it makes me want to scream.  I take pages of notes and still miss about 30% of what is said. Imagine instead, sitting in a classroom, learning about elemental atoms and how they have these little guys that hang out in orbitals around a nucleus.  The little guys are called electrons and the elements always want to fill all their orbitals with these electron guys.  If they don't have enough on their own, they form alliances with other elements to fill their "valence" orbitals.  They can either share, give or take these valence electrons, depending on the other element and their polarity.  Imagine learning about all these crazy scientists that formed the theories about atoms and did numerous experiments to learn more about them.  Imagine rules, structure, straightforward, complex simplicity.
I'm not sure why, but I am really liking Chemistry and NOT Biology.
Both instructors are passionate.  Students in both classes are nice, well, I just talk to people regardless... :) Both instructors are reasonable.  
Perhaps it is my learning style.  Perhaps it is experience.  Perhaps I just need to buckle down and study more biology.  Perhaps it is sitting in a chair for three hours straight.  Whatever it is... this class is killing me.  However, Chemistry is looking good.

             

Needy

Today, I need affirmation.
I need someone to wrap their arms around me, hold onto me and tell me that everything is going to be ok.
Not just empty words... because they KNOW it is all going to be ok.
That everything will shake out in the end...
But I don't have any more twinkle lights...
And I don't know that it will.
They say everything you have done has brought you to this point.
I want to undo it all and start over...
Can I have a mulligan?
This is all too much.
Today, I need someone to tell me that I CAN work full time and go to school... 'cause I feel like everything is unravelling and I can't remember if that word is supposed to have only one l or two.
My brain is mushy and I feel like throwing up.

Today, I am sad.
How can I have lived for so long and made all the wrong choices?
Today, I wish I wasn't going to school.



Today, I wish.
Today, I need.
Today, I am...
And that is about all.
I want to rewind, I want to fast forward, I want to pause, I want to stop, I want to play.

Insights

Sometimes we need to change our perspective to see things in the proper light.

The oh so familiar Christmas story... like a nativity, a pageant, a carol.

So much more than just a story... a scene... a child's program.

The insights I have gleaned this Christmas celebration have altered me.

Granted me new perspective. Looking forward, looking back. 

"Fragile finger sent to heal us.  Tender brow prepared for thorns.  Tiny heart whose blood will save us...

Unto us is born... ... 

Wrap our injured flesh around you.  Breathe our air and walk our sod.  Rob our sin and make us holy.

Perfect Son of God."(Welcome to Our World~ Chris Rice)

The beginning of the Easter story... Christmas is about more than a gift.

It's is about blood, sacrifice, faith, favor, humility, grace, mercy... and trust.

I have issues... trusting... believing... accepting.

Rather, analyzing... processing information... comparing.

"You can ask God questions, but you should never question God." (Unknown)

I am three years old... Why?  I don't understand. Why? Why? Why?

These are thrown towards heaven... tears streaming... yearning for answers.

Mary didn't question... "Be it unto me according to thy word." (Luke 1:38)

Trust... Faith... Belief.

Imagine an angel showing up and saying "Hail, thou that art highly favoured, the Lord is with thee: blessed art thou among women... Fear not, Mary: for thou hast found favour with God. And, behold, thou shalt conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a son, and shalt call his name JESUS.  He shall be great, and shall be called the Son of the Highest: and the Lord God shall give unto him the throne of his father David:  And he shall reign over the house of Jacob for ever; and of his kingdom there shall be no end. The Holy Ghost shall come upon thee, and the power of the Highest shall overshadow thee: therefore also that holy thing which shall be born of thee shall be called the Son of God... For with God nothing shall be impossible." (Luke 1:28-37)

And your reply is "Be it unto me according to thy word."

A virgin bearing a child.  Who is going to believe that?

Imagine, being promised to a man... an arranged marriage, most likely... Espoused...

How do you suddenly turn up "with child" claiming you have been overshadowed...

Expecting everyone... anyone... to believe you.

Especially this just man... who holds the power of your life in his belief... reaction... or betrayal.

This is favor? Imagine; the whispers... pointed fingers... judgements... 

To flesh, societal expectations can reign... masking the more important things.

This is favor: Giving birth to a son... the Messiah... the lamb slain from the foundation of the world.

God robed in flesh... walking with him daily... playing a vital role in God's salvation plan for mankind.

Imagine God, the creator of the universe, coming to earth.

Humbling himself to become the required sacrifice for our sins.

"For it is not possible that the blood of bulls and goats should take away sins." (Hebrews 10:4)

Never sinning, but carrying the weight of the sins of all time, both future and past... 

"For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him." (II Corinthians 5:21)

Bridging the chasm... granting access... presenting eternity.

Lately, life is overwhelming... confusing... 

Grasping... clutching... closing my hands around... something, anything.

A still small voice tells me to open my hands... let go... trust.

I am still trying, although...

My life feels shaken... turned upside down... emptied... 

Perhaps I'm just gaining a new perspective.

*This Christmas we got to spend with my sister's family and her in-laws.  We watched these films... which I recommend... Even if you don't watch things produced by hollywood.  They are very insightful and well done.  I hope you will watch them and glean new understanding.

The Nativity Story and The Star of Bethlehem

My December and how I despise it.

I HATE DECEMBER.  Literally.  Ok, ok, I know HATE is a strong word; would you feel better if I said I DESPISE DECEMBER instead? Fine then, I despise December.  I was born at 3:3- am on December 3, 1979.  The last month of the seventies; I suppose I can be thankful that I was not born in the eighties.  Anyhow, I've always wished I had been born in another month... any other month... but preferably the summer.  December is full of Christmas, snow, cold; none of which I like.  People always go on about Christmas and how happy it is with everyone exchanging greetings and cheer.  That is not my experience.  My experience is stress... excessive busyness... cold... obligations... Oh and getting older.  See, no one likes getting older.  Anyhow, you may wonder: If you despise December so, why is your blog named 'My December'?  I have an answer.  I feel like my life is like a December... maybe not bad, but not at all what you were promised or expected.  Take that as you will.  I have the perfect example: it is from the Christmas when I had just turned 5.  We were getting Cabbage Patch Dolls for Christmas.  It was when they had just come out and we knew we were getting them, we had picked out the ones we wanted at Toy Parade and had been there at the drawing when my parents bought them.  Cabbage Patch Dolls came in a very distinctive box.  Imagine how elated my sister and I were when my mom told us on the Sunday morning before Christmas that we could open ONE gift before church.  we both chose the same gift... the one shaped like a Cabbage Patch Doll box.  My mom was no dummy... We excitedly ripped open the wrapping and stared in shock and disbelief.  CHRISTMAS DRESSES!  Fluffy red and white Christmas dresses.  My sneaky mother had taken the dolls out of their boxes and replaced them with Christmas dresses.  Imagine, expecting a CPD and getting a dress instead.  Dresses are not bad, they just aren't what you expect to find in a CPD box.  Don't get me wrong, I am not blaming my mother or this traumatic gift experience for my December dislike.  I went on to have many other great Christmas experiences.

Maybe a great percentage of my disillusion comes from Christmas songs; they promise so much... they raise the bar of expectations so high that... well, let's just say that they create a false sense of what is going to really happen.  I know this may not be every ones experience.  I'm not trying to kill the magic for other people.  I am just telling you how I feel.  People will not love each other more because it is Christmas.  The fact that there is mistletoe has no power over the fact that there is no one to kiss even if perchance you were standing under it.  People kill trees and put them in their house with lights and pretty fluffy stuff.  There are secret Santa drawings everywhere... where you inevitably draw the name of the person you didn't want to draw. Seriously, if the ratio of people that you don't want to draw to people you wouldn't mind drawing is 1:26, you're gonna draw the person you didn't want.  People make snowflake ornaments out of paper and hang them everywhere. Don't get me wrong, I'm no Scrooge.  I want to like Christmas... maybe even December.  I want it to be magical and full of warmth and fulfilled expectations... lacking disappointments... the perfect ending for the year.  But, I'm too much of a realist to expect that.

hold on to me

Today, I just want to know that everything will be ok. 
Promises like this should be enough:


For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)


Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee. (Isaiah 26:3)


But somehow they don't even touch my fear, doubts and insecurities.  I am broken and sad.
I will smile and face the world, but I'm crying inside from my busted heart.

upside down and backwards

Sometimes, life just seems out of control, upside down and backwards.  And not in a taking-the-gold-medal-at-the-X-Games kind of upside down.  This is no winning matter.  I feel like everything is so out of control, I don't even know what to grab in order to start putting it back in order.  Chaos.  Hurt.  Disappointment.  Worry.  I know that really the primary reason I feel like this is that I don't feel good.  When you don't feel good, everything else seems worse.  Oh well, I shall go to sleep and maybe, just maybe, everything will seem better in the morning.

Stress, listening and fatigue.

Today, I went back to the walk in clinic at the urging of several friends and family members.  To give you a little follow up, I went to the same clinic 12 days ago and was prescribed a 10 day course of antibiotics. After finishing the full course of antibiotics and not feeling any better, I followed their urgings and returned.  The MD staffing the walk-in today is NOT my favorite.  I always leave feeling that he had a preconceived notion of my ailment or rather lack of ailment and viewed my complaints through this scope.  He decided that the reason I am so fatigued is due to stress.  He questioned me about whether or not I had any additional stress in my life.  I said not any more than usual, which compared to a significant number of people is very minimal.  I do not feel like stress is what is causing me to have this extreme fatigue... seriously, I've been sleeping probably 12-14 hours a day(I normally sleep 6-7 hours/day).  I do not feel well.  I just want to feel better and I want someone to listen to me.  I don't know what to do about all that, but I try to glean some sort of wisdom/insight from every situation.  Today, this is what I take from all this mess.
I resolve to listen to others.  Not the half-hearted mmmm-hmmm...... oh really?...... Yeah... type of listening where 99.9% of my brain is engaged in other activities, thoughts and plans.  I mean to really listen... to hear their pain, joy, sorrow, fear, regrets, stress, etc.  I'm usually fairly good at listening, but I think I do have room for improvement.
I resolve to have more compassion for others.  This is something I have faced several times recently... lack of compassion.  People just expecting me to keep on going, because they think I'm just over-reacting or something. If someone says they are sick, I resolve to believe them.  I will do my best not to minimize other's feelings, situations, fears, regrets, no matter if their situation is born of their decisions.
I resolve to care.
I resolve to be kind
I resolve to be stronger.
I resolve to never, ever go to the walk-in clinic again, especially if Dr. Murphy is working.