Insights

Sometimes we need to change our perspective to see things in the proper light.

The oh so familiar Christmas story... like a nativity, a pageant, a carol.

So much more than just a story... a scene... a child's program.

The insights I have gleaned this Christmas celebration have altered me.

Granted me new perspective. Looking forward, looking back. 

"Fragile finger sent to heal us.  Tender brow prepared for thorns.  Tiny heart whose blood will save us...

Unto us is born... ... 

Wrap our injured flesh around you.  Breathe our air and walk our sod.  Rob our sin and make us holy.

Perfect Son of God."(Welcome to Our World~ Chris Rice)

The beginning of the Easter story... Christmas is about more than a gift.

It's is about blood, sacrifice, faith, favor, humility, grace, mercy... and trust.

I have issues... trusting... believing... accepting.

Rather, analyzing... processing information... comparing.

"You can ask God questions, but you should never question God." (Unknown)

I am three years old... Why?  I don't understand. Why? Why? Why?

These are thrown towards heaven... tears streaming... yearning for answers.

Mary didn't question... "Be it unto me according to thy word." (Luke 1:38)

Trust... Faith... Belief.

Imagine an angel showing up and saying "Hail, thou that art highly favoured, the Lord is with thee: blessed art thou among women... Fear not, Mary: for thou hast found favour with God. And, behold, thou shalt conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a son, and shalt call his name JESUS.  He shall be great, and shall be called the Son of the Highest: and the Lord God shall give unto him the throne of his father David:  And he shall reign over the house of Jacob for ever; and of his kingdom there shall be no end. The Holy Ghost shall come upon thee, and the power of the Highest shall overshadow thee: therefore also that holy thing which shall be born of thee shall be called the Son of God... For with God nothing shall be impossible." (Luke 1:28-37)

And your reply is "Be it unto me according to thy word."

A virgin bearing a child.  Who is going to believe that?

Imagine, being promised to a man... an arranged marriage, most likely... Espoused...

How do you suddenly turn up "with child" claiming you have been overshadowed...

Expecting everyone... anyone... to believe you.

Especially this just man... who holds the power of your life in his belief... reaction... or betrayal.

This is favor? Imagine; the whispers... pointed fingers... judgements... 

To flesh, societal expectations can reign... masking the more important things.

This is favor: Giving birth to a son... the Messiah... the lamb slain from the foundation of the world.

God robed in flesh... walking with him daily... playing a vital role in God's salvation plan for mankind.

Imagine God, the creator of the universe, coming to earth.

Humbling himself to become the required sacrifice for our sins.

"For it is not possible that the blood of bulls and goats should take away sins." (Hebrews 10:4)

Never sinning, but carrying the weight of the sins of all time, both future and past... 

"For he hath made him to be sin for us, who knew no sin; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him." (II Corinthians 5:21)

Bridging the chasm... granting access... presenting eternity.

Lately, life is overwhelming... confusing... 

Grasping... clutching... closing my hands around... something, anything.

A still small voice tells me to open my hands... let go... trust.

I am still trying, although...

My life feels shaken... turned upside down... emptied... 

Perhaps I'm just gaining a new perspective.

*This Christmas we got to spend with my sister's family and her in-laws.  We watched these films... which I recommend... Even if you don't watch things produced by hollywood.  They are very insightful and well done.  I hope you will watch them and glean new understanding.

The Nativity Story and The Star of Bethlehem

My December and how I despise it.

I HATE DECEMBER.  Literally.  Ok, ok, I know HATE is a strong word; would you feel better if I said I DESPISE DECEMBER instead? Fine then, I despise December.  I was born at 3:3- am on December 3, 1979.  The last month of the seventies; I suppose I can be thankful that I was not born in the eighties.  Anyhow, I've always wished I had been born in another month... any other month... but preferably the summer.  December is full of Christmas, snow, cold; none of which I like.  People always go on about Christmas and how happy it is with everyone exchanging greetings and cheer.  That is not my experience.  My experience is stress... excessive busyness... cold... obligations... Oh and getting older.  See, no one likes getting older.  Anyhow, you may wonder: If you despise December so, why is your blog named 'My December'?  I have an answer.  I feel like my life is like a December... maybe not bad, but not at all what you were promised or expected.  Take that as you will.  I have the perfect example: it is from the Christmas when I had just turned 5.  We were getting Cabbage Patch Dolls for Christmas.  It was when they had just come out and we knew we were getting them, we had picked out the ones we wanted at Toy Parade and had been there at the drawing when my parents bought them.  Cabbage Patch Dolls came in a very distinctive box.  Imagine how elated my sister and I were when my mom told us on the Sunday morning before Christmas that we could open ONE gift before church.  we both chose the same gift... the one shaped like a Cabbage Patch Doll box.  My mom was no dummy... We excitedly ripped open the wrapping and stared in shock and disbelief.  CHRISTMAS DRESSES!  Fluffy red and white Christmas dresses.  My sneaky mother had taken the dolls out of their boxes and replaced them with Christmas dresses.  Imagine, expecting a CPD and getting a dress instead.  Dresses are not bad, they just aren't what you expect to find in a CPD box.  Don't get me wrong, I am not blaming my mother or this traumatic gift experience for my December dislike.  I went on to have many other great Christmas experiences.

Maybe a great percentage of my disillusion comes from Christmas songs; they promise so much... they raise the bar of expectations so high that... well, let's just say that they create a false sense of what is going to really happen.  I know this may not be every ones experience.  I'm not trying to kill the magic for other people.  I am just telling you how I feel.  People will not love each other more because it is Christmas.  The fact that there is mistletoe has no power over the fact that there is no one to kiss even if perchance you were standing under it.  People kill trees and put them in their house with lights and pretty fluffy stuff.  There are secret Santa drawings everywhere... where you inevitably draw the name of the person you didn't want to draw. Seriously, if the ratio of people that you don't want to draw to people you wouldn't mind drawing is 1:26, you're gonna draw the person you didn't want.  People make snowflake ornaments out of paper and hang them everywhere. Don't get me wrong, I'm no Scrooge.  I want to like Christmas... maybe even December.  I want it to be magical and full of warmth and fulfilled expectations... lacking disappointments... the perfect ending for the year.  But, I'm too much of a realist to expect that.

hold on to me

Today, I just want to know that everything will be ok. 
Promises like this should be enough:


For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)


Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee. (Isaiah 26:3)


But somehow they don't even touch my fear, doubts and insecurities.  I am broken and sad.
I will smile and face the world, but I'm crying inside from my busted heart.

upside down and backwards

Sometimes, life just seems out of control, upside down and backwards.  And not in a taking-the-gold-medal-at-the-X-Games kind of upside down.  This is no winning matter.  I feel like everything is so out of control, I don't even know what to grab in order to start putting it back in order.  Chaos.  Hurt.  Disappointment.  Worry.  I know that really the primary reason I feel like this is that I don't feel good.  When you don't feel good, everything else seems worse.  Oh well, I shall go to sleep and maybe, just maybe, everything will seem better in the morning.

Stress, listening and fatigue.

Today, I went back to the walk in clinic at the urging of several friends and family members.  To give you a little follow up, I went to the same clinic 12 days ago and was prescribed a 10 day course of antibiotics. After finishing the full course of antibiotics and not feeling any better, I followed their urgings and returned.  The MD staffing the walk-in today is NOT my favorite.  I always leave feeling that he had a preconceived notion of my ailment or rather lack of ailment and viewed my complaints through this scope.  He decided that the reason I am so fatigued is due to stress.  He questioned me about whether or not I had any additional stress in my life.  I said not any more than usual, which compared to a significant number of people is very minimal.  I do not feel like stress is what is causing me to have this extreme fatigue... seriously, I've been sleeping probably 12-14 hours a day(I normally sleep 6-7 hours/day).  I do not feel well.  I just want to feel better and I want someone to listen to me.  I don't know what to do about all that, but I try to glean some sort of wisdom/insight from every situation.  Today, this is what I take from all this mess.
I resolve to listen to others.  Not the half-hearted mmmm-hmmm...... oh really?...... Yeah... type of listening where 99.9% of my brain is engaged in other activities, thoughts and plans.  I mean to really listen... to hear their pain, joy, sorrow, fear, regrets, stress, etc.  I'm usually fairly good at listening, but I think I do have room for improvement.
I resolve to have more compassion for others.  This is something I have faced several times recently... lack of compassion.  People just expecting me to keep on going, because they think I'm just over-reacting or something. If someone says they are sick, I resolve to believe them.  I will do my best not to minimize other's feelings, situations, fears, regrets, no matter if their situation is born of their decisions.
I resolve to care.
I resolve to be kind
I resolve to be stronger.
I resolve to never, ever go to the walk-in clinic again, especially if Dr. Murphy is working.

a trip to the gourd patch :)

Yesterday, we went to the local pumpkin patch.

We drove out across the roads looking for the pumpkins.

We ran out of road.

The pumpkin farmer found us.

They ran out of regular pumpkins. 

But we found some gourds... like this one.

Jacob at one point told my mom:

"If you were skinny like me, you could run fast."

He later told her:

"You look like a grandma."

:D

Judah's "thumbs up" :) 

and Jacob's face.

These three crack me up.

Judah, Kaleigh, Kylan and Jacob

Me and my favorite chubs... <3 her.

Seriously, this kid kept us in stitches.  

He wasn't meaning to be hilarious.

We told him to watch out for the burr bushes.

So, he thought every bush was pokey and would have a meltdown whenever one touched him.

He wanted my mom to help him get over some bushes he thought were pokey.

When she grabbed his hand, he jumped like a foot in the air to try and clear them.

Then he fell... we tried not to laugh, since he was so traumatized.

;)

The girls carried their gourds the whole time. 

Except the 50+ times Kylan dropped hers.

Overall, it was a successful trip, although all the pumpkins were tiny.

There was also a corn maze... we made it out without needing to call 911.

We all had fun and laughed a lot and in the end, that's what matters :)

:D

Love this!
I love this... If anyone feels compelled, I would adore a set of hobnail jadite cake stands.  You know, for all the cakes and cupcakes I bake ;)  Maybe when I move and have a non-walk through kitchen filled with boy stuff... Anyhow, I just was drooling over some different cake stands, so I thought I'd share.  I just think they're very versatile and fun.

something different

Ok, today I have something different for you.  I'm not going to write about my feelings (shocker, I know).  Instead... I'm going to give you a recipe of sorts.  I say of sorts, because I really don't have any specific amounts... for any of it. :D  That's how I roll.
So, this recipe is from my grandma, via my mom.  You will need:
Campbells Tomato soup
Shredded cheddar cheese (Dare I say Tillamook?)
Pasta (you choice of shape.  I usually use the bow-tie or farfalle variety)
Lean(est) ground beef (or turkey or venison, etc.  You can even use chicken, I'm sure)
Salt
Pepper
Italian seasoning (last night, I used spicy spaghetti seasoning and it was super yummy)

First, get the pasta cooking.  Next, brown the beef, seasoning with Italian seasoning, salt and pepper.  If you do not use lean ground beef, you would want to drain it at this point. Then, add tomato soup to ground beef mixture, as well as a can of water and some more Italian seasoning, as desired.  Simmer for awhile.  Add cheese immediately before adding to pasta.  Drain pasta and add tomato soup mixture.  Eat directly.
This is such a yummy recipe that I usually eat entirely too much and feel sick.  :)  I usually use one can of soup, a fistful of cheese, a third of a box of pasta, a quarter pound of ground beef and seasonings to taste.  That will give me about three or four portions.  Obviously, I'm only one person, so if you have a family, you can multiply accordingly.  Enjoy!

Really, it's none of your business, but respectfully, I'm looking to grow a tree.

You have a big nose... And you're rude.  Oh and by the way, it's really none of your business... really.  I mean REALLY. :)

Let me explain.  It's when you go to your cousin's wedding and afterwards at the reception-y part your older family members and friends are all sitting there and suddenly they decide to attack.  I don't think it's premeditated, but with these types, one can never tell.  Everyone is having a nice time and wham, some evil person looks directly at you and asks that inevitable question "So, when are you going to get married?"  or the other one "So, when are you going to have kids?"  I want to saucily retort with some snide comment like "When you learn some manners" or "Well, since all of you are divorced and bitter, it seems like that plan of just grabbing the first person you found and marrying them really worked out well for you, didn't it... all three times" or even "I guess you'll find out when you get an invitation, if you're luckily enough to make the guest list, but based on your current behavior, your chances aren't looking very good."  However, my mother taught me some manners; namely, respecting your elders... even if they are rude.  So, I just smile and wish for a hole in the ground to open and swallow me whole.  Seriously, though, it's not like I've turned down tons of offers.  I do not have a swathe of prospective husbands lining up at my door, holding resume's, begging me to procreate with them.  But if I did, I still don't think I have to talk to you about it.  You make me feel like a failure... "well, Rachelle, you're getting old, don't you think it's time you pop out a couple kids while you're young enough to keep up with them?"  I already feel like a failure.  I really don't need you and your giant magnifying glass to see my own flaws and shortcomings.  Maybe, though, it's not that I'm a failure or that I possess a fatal flaw.  Maybe, just maybe, I'm waiting for something wonderful.  I used to work at a nursing home, in the kitchen.  It was awful, terrible, possibly the worst job I've ever had.  Ewww. Gross. Yuck; but I digress.  At this nursing home, there was this gentleman in his seventies in apparent good health that visited EVERY DAY.  Granted, I only worked there for just a couple months, but in that time, he was there every single day.  He arrived before lunch and stayed into the evening.  A stroke had devastated his life, but not his love.  I don't know the whole of their story, I imagine them living a happy life in a quiet cottage, raising children and growing love.  Consistency, commitment and conversation.  Something substantial.  I know what they had was not commonplace.  It was built over sleepless nights.  Trusting, when love was all they had, that it would be enough.  Committing, that when they didn't feel the passion, that they would walk on, hand in hand, because they had made their choice.  Believing, that if something terrible happened, the love, that they had grown and nurtured from a tiny seed to a giant tree, would shelter them under it's branches and they could cling to each other and love would cover them and keep them.   From my perspective, it worked.  A stroke was no match for their love.  It had debilitated the wife's body.  Trapped her spirit.  But it had not conquered their love.  Their love pulled the husband's car into the parking lot and walked with him as he pushed his wife's wheelchair outside, so she could enjoy the lovely summer afternoons.  It was a love of gentleness, trust and faithfulness.  It was true passion.  Not intense uncontrollable sexual desire, but rather the only option.  To them, they had made their choice... and they didn't look back, contemplating other options.  In the face of tragedy and challenge, their love was a tree.  Maybe, I'm looking for someone who wants to grow a tree.  Someone who has the gentleness to nurture that tiny seed.  Someone who will be there to water it and watch it grow.  Someone who will be there in the summer when the leaves are full and gorgeous green.  Someone who will be there in the autumn, when the leaves put on a fireworks show and then fall and blow away.  Someone who will be there in the winter, when everything is bleak and bare and dark and cold.  Someone who will stay until the spring, because they know the leaves are going to grow again.  Maybe I'm waiting for someone who wants to grow a tree.  So, that is my answer.  I'll get married when I find someone I want to grow a tree alongside, hand in hand and heart in heart.  You can be fine with that or you can go on wishing I would jump into something with someone who wants to eat chocolate and strawberries and jump into oceans of this moment and recreate all the mistakes you made that led to your current bitter miserable state.  Because they say, misery loves company.  But you can keep your misery.  And I guess I try and hold on to my tree growing dream... just a little longer.  Respectfully yours in respect and kinship...

I love you...

Sometimes, those are the most difficult words to say... primarily because of the possible rejection that ensues.  I am compelled to say them... I love you.  Even when you tell me you hate me; I love you.  When you take my time for granted;  I love you.  When you just expect, because I've always given; I love you.  When you are moody; I love you.  When you are selfish; I love you.  When you argue and are stubborn; I love you.  When you make bad choices; I love you.  When you make good choices; I love you.  When you challenge me; I love you.  When you are silly; I love you.  When you make mistakes; I love you.  When you do the right thing; I love you.  When you make me laugh; I love you.  When you make me cry; I love you.  When you drive me crazy; I love you.  When I don't get to see you or we lose contact; I love you.  When you think you're too old; I love you.  When you think you're too cool; I love you.  When I see God's fingerprints in your life; I love you.  You are valuable.  You are smart.  You are beautiful beyond reason.  You are special.  You are AMAZING.  God has big plans for you.  I hope you can see it... the bright future that He is laying out before you.  Take the narrow path.  The road less traveled.  Be patient.  Be kind.  Be faithful.  Be honest.  Be thankful.  Be compassionate.  LOVE; even when no one loves you in return.  Forgive; even when it isn't deserved.  Believe; even when you can't hear, see, feel or touch.  Laugh; because it does you good, heart, body and soul.  Just never laugh at another person's expense.  Remember, we are all part of one another.  You can change the world.  Start by always following the golden rule.  Love God.  Honor your parents.  Respect your teachers.  Value your friends.  When you have questions, I will help you find answers.  When you need to talk, I will listen.  When you hug me, I will store it in a special place in my memory and bring it out on a stormy day.  And always remember that I love you!

a concession

Honestly, I dislike seeing you.
Preferably, You would be invisible.
Aesthetically, You marr my vista.

I look away, I do something, anything, so I don't have to face you.
I'm sorry.

Truthfully, I could be you.
Frightfully, You are a part of me.
Apologetically, I need you.

I see you, falling, grappling, oozing in the grotesqueness of mischance.
I shudder.

Inwardly, You are beautiful.
Socially, Tracks divide us.
Outwardly, You are a nusiance.

If only, I would view you in a different light... the light of sun through stained glass.
I ponder.

Painfully, I admit my own horror.
Remorsefully, I claim my disregard.
Hopefully, I will make amends.

Somehow, I pray that grace will find you, the way it found me, saved me... from being you.
I reflect.

Faithfully, He is patient.
Lovingly, He looks at you and me.
Tenderly, He reminds us.

It is grace and love, mercy built upon mercy. Truth, patience, forgiveness.
I surrender.

Longingly, I desire more.
Consistently, I fall short.
Continually, Grace is needed.

A collection of snapshots taken in my head and played in a slideshow.
I discover.

Collectively, we are all the same.
Necessarily, we are obligated.
Fortunately, There is still time.

A chance is given, an opportunity taken, a groundwork laid.
I concede.

Tidbits for Today: fixing

I love the song "Fix You" by Coldplay...
I'm sorry if you only listen to Christian music and I hope you can refrain from writing me off as hyper-carnal.
But I digress... I love the song, the lyrics...
"When you try your best, but you don't succeed.
When you get what you want and not what you need.
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep.
Stuck in reverse.
And the tears come streaming down your face.
When you lose something you can't replace.
When  you love someone, but it goes to waste.
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home.
And ignite your bones.
And I will try to fix you.
And high up above or down below.
When you're too in love to let it go.
But if you never try you'll never know.
Just what you're worth.
Lights will guide you home.
And ignite your bones.
And I will try to fix you.
Tears stream down your face.
When you lose something you can't replace.
Tears stream down your face.
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes.
Tears stream down your face.
Lights will guide you home.
And ignite your bones.
And I will try to fix you."
I guess maybe why I really relate to this song is I need fixing.
But I know that God can fix me... he doesn't have to TRY.
"Lights will guide you home.
And ignite your bones.
And I will fix you."
That's all.

Arguments with God

I don't know about anyone else, but sometimes I argue with God.
I don't set out to argue. 
I mean I don't wake up in the morning and say, Today, I think I'll argue with God.
Nope.
This morning, I engaged in what might seem to be an exercise in futility.
However, it was not futile.
{futile: incapable of producing any result; ineffective; useless; not successful}
Perhaps, it was more of a discussion than an argument.
Maybe, actually, it was more like God interjecting his wisdom into my thoughts...
And I didn't recognize it through several thoughts and responses.
Whatever it was, it went like this.
X person doesn't even want to believe in you.{You don't see him the way I see him}
I don't see how I can get through to him. Nothing I say makes a difference. {Rachelle, you can't see the work I'm doing}
He's a hopeless case. {Do you doubt my power?}
At this point, the argument was over...
I was filled with conviction, because, honestly, sometimes I forget God is sovereign.
I mean, I know God is sovereign.
I realize that God is bigger than my mortal mind can comprehend.
He is vast, tremendous, immeasurable.
God is the creator of the entire universe...
{In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. The same was in the beginning with God. All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life; and the life was the light of men. And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not. John 1:1-5}
It's just sometimes, oft times, I look at my surroundings and circumstances through eyes of darkness.
I cannot change someone's mind.
I cannot fix them.
I cannot perform miracles.
Turn water into wine.
Feed 5000+ people with 5 loaves and 2 fishes.
And somehow I try and merge my concept God with my humanity.
But...
GOD is not human.
God is immortal.
Powerful.
AMAZING.
{Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only wise God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen. I Timothy 1:17}
{That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give unto you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of him: The eyes of your understanding being enlightened ; that ye may know what is the hope of his calling, and what the riches of the glory of his inheritance in the saints, And what is the exceeding greatness of his power to us-ward who believe , according to the working of his mighty power, Which he wrought in Christ, when he raised him from the dead, and set him at his own right hand in the heavenly places, Far above all principality, and power, and might, and dominion, and every name that is named , not only in this world, but also in that which is to come: And hath put all things under his feet, and gave him to be the head over all things to the church, Which is his body, the fulness of him that filleth all in all. Ephesians 1:17-23}
Power far above all these earthly things.
Power and authority that I cannot even begin to fathom.
I mean, if He can insert his wisdom, conviction and hope right into my thoughts, not my prayers, but my thoughts...
How can I not expect him to work on X person's behalf? 
How can I doubt his working, just because I cannot see it with my eyes of darkness?
How can I...
And there is the problem.
He CAN.
And there is the solution.
{I can do all things THROUGH CHRIST which strengtheneth me. Philippians 4:13}
I can because He can...
And it doesn't stop there.
{And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:23}
{For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Jeremiah 29:11}
He is working it all out. 
All I have to do is TRUST.
Sounds simple, but I struggle greatly with trusting.
But I'll save that for another post.

head vs heart

head vs heart

The heat is heard as the line is blurred.
"What are you saying? That just sounds absurd."
I wish to explain, but all that I speak gets lost in translation.

Are you a romantic; Shot through the heart?
Or do you deal in logic, with reason to start?
Is one better? How can we know;
which one to follow, where will we go?

I stopped at a crossroads, a fork if you would...
My heart said "this won't work" but my head said it could.
It applied all the rules that govern such logic.
Ah, let me tell you the end result was tragic.

Forgiving you took me so long,
A long time to realize where i went wrong.
Heed this saying, if you are smart
It's true when they tell you to 'follow your heart.'

The heat is heard as the line is blurred.
"What're you saying? That just sounds absurd."

I wish to explain, but all that I speak gets lost in translation.

So many hurts and unanswered questions
as I arrived at a new intersection.
My heart was willing, although still tattered.
The head decided this wasn't what mattered.

The risk was too great, shooting the moon.
Looking back, I believe I acted too soon.
In this equation of head vs heart, 
I, once again, chose to play the same part.

Perhaps one day soon I will figure it out,
just what this head vs. heart is about
before every ounce of hope has faded 
and my glass heart is entirely jaded.

The heat is heard as the line is blurred.

"What are you saying? That just sounds absurd."

I wish to explain, but all that I speak gets lost in translation.

"Someday somebody will walk into your life & make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else. ♥"
On facebook a friend posted this quote
I want to believe the words that she wrote.
Hopeful me and my spectrum of emotion,
Perhaps what I need is a magical potion.

So, my dear whoever you are,No matter how near, no matter how far;
Keep going on through the toil and strife...
Always maintaining a beautiful life.

To be able to say of every stage,
of every part and act that is played,
As the lights dim on each curtain fall;
Breathe- I did my best, I gave it my all.

Because rather than to ponder
Heart vs. head, it makes me wonder.
If no matter what each day brings,
And I give my best in all of these things.

Will the heat be heard as the line is blurred?

Perhaps what I'm saying is not that absurd,

I have found something on which my head and heart can agree.

Love is the primary answer we need; and finally, Truth will set us free.

It's Monday!!!

Monday is my favorite day (of the WEEK, this does not include the weekend ;)).  It's just so pregnant with expectation and possibilities.  The first day of the week (in my mind Sunday is part of the weekend), it's like a new beginning, a fresh start. So, I thought I'd share some of my favorite things on my favorite day.

>I absolutely adore summer... August is my favorite month.  I'm pretty sure that I'm going to take as much of my vacation next year in August as allowable.
>I think the temperature outdoors should always exceed 50*F... I like the nice warm weather... 85*F is ideal!
>My favorite color is the color of a dusky summer sky... where the sky shades from dark murky blue to the palest tinge of yellow.  This color is called summer twilight.  I also like greens, blues and charcoal... with a little pink thrown in for good measure.
>FEBREZE!!! I am addicted to this product line... candles, fabric softener, laundry detergent, freshening spray, air fresheners, plug-ins, bathroom cleaner... seriously... I may need help.
>Going barefoot.  Just another summer pleasure.  :) Walking barefoot, especially in grass, transports me instantly back to my childhood.  It makes me feel carefree and jubilant.
>I am learning to play guitar and I simply <3 it.  I love music and singing.  In my mind, everyone should sing.  Music is like therapy.  My love for music baffles me somewhat, since I'm such a visual person.  I simply cannot explain how it makes me feel when a song perfectly describes my mood and emotions perfectly.  Songwriters are my heroes... painting mental pictures with their clever lyrics.
>I like words... I remember in school, I always dreaded using the dictionary... now I wonder why.  Sometimes, I read the dictionary for fun.
>Really, I'm just an overgrown kid that enjoys blowing dandelion seeds.  Dandelions are so happy and friendly... All yard owners that take careful care of their lawns are glaring in my direction.  I can live with that.
>Fresh cut grass, puppy breath, coffee, sharpies, scotch tape, newly sharpened pencils, books, J&J calming nighttime lotion, fruit stripe gum, hot blacktop mixed with rain, the nitrogen released from the ground when it rains, leather, any citrus fruit, Pepsi-immediately after you open the can, the forest, red rose tea bags- especially right when you remove the cellophane and open a new box, fresh laundry... these are some of my favorite scents.
>Otter pops and banana popsicles... like I said, I'm really just an overgrown kid.
I'm not a big food fan, but you really can't beat a well made vanilla mocha, almost anything made in my mother or grandparent's kitchen, a perfect cookie or cupcake... The way chocolate can transform something from blah to bliss.  Steak Nachos from SLR. An exquisite sandwich... Mmmmm.
>Hot cocoa... enough said.
>Kittens, puppies and babies are irresistible.
>I <3 texting... now I'm starting so sound like a teenager, so maybe I should wrap this up.

"One hundred fifty-one insights in to my soul." ;)

Tidbit for today: mercies and manna

Lamentations 3:22-23

King James Version (KJV)

 ²²It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.
 ²³They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.

Are mercies (and compassion) like manna?  Sitting in Bible Study, this question sprang to my mind.  When the Children of Israel were wandering in the wilderness, God provided them with manna to eat.  Catch was, they had to collect it daily.  If they collected more than they could consume in one day, (with the exception of the sabbath, of course) it would mold.  Is this somehow symbolic... Must we daily gather the new mercies from God?  I like this thought.  I envision myself in a tent in the wilderness.  Every morning, I open my tent flap and there, on the ground lay mercies.  I gather what I need to sustain me, to carry me through another day.
This is not founded on deep and insightful research.  It's just a thought I had.  I know it could be argued that in Psalms it states "for his mercy endureth forever."  But just let me keep my thought.  I don't know about you, but I'm going to leave my tent and go collect my daily mercy.

Pet Peeves

Preface: I do not have OCD... no matter what anyone tells you or how this seems.

Pet Peeves, we all have them.  Those things that we can't stand, but don't seem to bother anyone else.  I have pet peeves, quite a few in fact.  That's what I want to talk about today... I'm sure you're all excited. If you're not, maybe you should re-evaluate your excitement priorities.
My biggest pet peeve is... gross smells.  That one is pretty self explanatory.
I despise when my hands smell like food... to the point that sometimes I don't eat certain foods because I know they will make my hands smell or because I have no way to wash them.
When I have my own house... my very own house... where I am the boss... nothing will be cooked with garlic.  Also, no bacon or sausage... I cannot abide the smell of pork cooking.  Seriously, it makes me irritable.  Then, if that weren't enough, it clings to the very air with a heavy and cloying weight that lingers for days. Ok, well, maybe if some febreze candles are lit and the fan is on and there is a cross draft pulling all that irritability out of my work space... maybe, just maybe, we can cook some bacon in the oven.
Those sizzling fajitas at mexican restaurant where they bring out the smoking plate of horror make me cringe.  You may as well throw your clothes away after someone, even across the restaurant, orders those. Yick yuck!
I also do not like the smell of bleach....  I could go on, but I think you get the idea.

Two of my other biggest pet peeves pretty much go in the same category...
a) when people think they are special because of where they are from.
b) People who have enormous pride for their state/hometown/etc... pride so enormous that they have to try and one up ANYTHING about where anyone else is from.

I have been to X town and I've been a lot of other places.  Just because you live there doesn't make it spectacular.  You don't control the weather, the vista, or make it awesome. Any part of it that is spectacular is because GOD created it.  Yeah, it might have a nice scene... but there are nice things about almost everywhere.... beauty all around, we just have to be willing to see it.  I'm sorry for this rant, this just drives me nuts!!!  Yes, I did triple exclaim!
It's like the people from Alaska who get irritated at the people from Texas because of their lone star "everything's bigger in Texas" mentality.  Then, the people from Alaska proceed to say how Alaska is X amount larger than Texas and I just want to scream... YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HOW BIG YOUR STATE IS!  It is not a reflection of you personally.
Live where you love and love where you live, but be willing to accept that someone lives everywhere and they like it there... it has its drawbacks, but it also has it's benefits.
You're not amazing because you're from Cali or Hawaii... You are amazing because God created you that way... just like he created everyone else that way.  So, GET OVER YOURSELF.
Ok... now that you have an insight into my irritants... I probably just lost all blog followers. ;)  (both of you).

Again

Here I am again...
At the junction of shattered and broken.
How did I get here again...
Why, oh why, did I...
Care.
Isn't that what we're supposed to do?
In my experience, the result is always...
pain.

And still here I am again...
heartbroken.
Staring at the shattered pieces of my heart...
like glass...
on a concrete slab...
Why does it matter to me?
It's really my own fault, but I still hurt.
I took each step, telling myself that I didn't...
CARE...
Lying...
Deceiving...
Because I do care.
Because I don't know how not to.

And I am alone...

I've tried to be a rock...

an Island.

It doesn't work.  

Because... 

I cry... 

and I feel...

and I break.

Again...

and again...

and again.

You don't even know me...
We have never met...
But I cried today when I saw you.
You saw me... How could you not?
To you, I was just another being...
But to my heart of stress fractures...
you are a sledgehammer.
The words you wrote...
The life you carry...
The prize you won.

When will it stop?
Never...
Not in this life.

Maybe it was a dime store ring...

That prize,

but to me, currently,

It was like a shiny diamond.

Yes, I stole the lyrics...

They speak when I have no words.

When all I can do is cry...

Again...

and again...

and again.

I need you...
Where are you?
Take your time...
Because it's going to take me awhile...
to reassemble this shattered heart...
Again.

And I am alone...

I've tried to be a rock...

an Island.

It doesn't work.  

Because I cry and I feel and I break.

Again...

and again...

and again.

Perhaps, once upon a future,

I shall look back at this with...

understanding...

They say hindsight is always 20/20.

Who are they...

The past confuses me as much as the future.

And I am broken.

Shattered.

And alone.

Again... 

and again...

and again.

And I am alone...

I've tried to be a rock...

an Island.

It doesn't work.  

Because I cry and I feel and I break.

Again...

and again...

and again.