Let me explain. It's when you go to your cousin's wedding and afterwards at the reception-y part your older family members and friends are all sitting there and suddenly they decide to attack. I don't think it's premeditated, but with these types, one can never tell. Everyone is having a nice time and wham, some evil person looks directly at you and asks that inevitable question "So, when are you going to get married?" or the other one "So, when are you going to have kids?" I want to saucily retort with some snide comment like "When you learn some manners" or "Well, since all of you are divorced and bitter, it seems like that plan of just grabbing the first person you found and marrying them really worked out well for you, didn't it... all three times" or even "I guess you'll find out when you get an invitation, if you're luckily enough to make the guest list, but based on your current behavior, your chances aren't looking very good." However, my mother taught me some manners; namely, respecting your elders... even if they are rude. So, I just smile and wish for a hole in the ground to open and swallow me whole. Seriously, though, it's not like I've turned down tons of offers. I do not have a swathe of prospective husbands lining up at my door, holding resume's, begging me to procreate with them. But if I did, I still don't think I have to talk to you about it. You make me feel like a failure... "well, Rachelle, you're getting old, don't you think it's time you pop out a couple kids while you're young enough to keep up with them?" I already feel like a failure. I really don't need you and your giant magnifying glass to see my own flaws and shortcomings. Maybe, though, it's not that I'm a failure or that I possess a fatal flaw. Maybe, just maybe, I'm waiting for something wonderful. I used to work at a nursing home, in the kitchen. It was awful, terrible, possibly the worst job I've ever had. Ewww. Gross. Yuck; but I digress. At this nursing home, there was this gentleman in his seventies in apparent good health that visited EVERY DAY. Granted, I only worked there for just a couple months, but in that time, he was there every single day. He arrived before lunch and stayed into the evening. A stroke had devastated his life, but not his love. I don't know the whole of their story, I imagine them living a happy life in a quiet cottage, raising children and growing love. Consistency, commitment and conversation. Something substantial. I know what they had was not commonplace. It was built over sleepless nights. Trusting, when love was all they had, that it would be enough. Committing, that when they didn't feel the passion, that they would walk on, hand in hand, because they had made their choice. Believing, that if something terrible happened, the love, that they had grown and nurtured from a tiny seed to a giant tree, would shelter them under it's branches and they could cling to each other and love would cover them and keep them. From my perspective, it worked. A stroke was no match for their love. It had debilitated the wife's body. Trapped her spirit. But it had not conquered their love. Their love pulled the husband's car into the parking lot and walked with him as he pushed his wife's wheelchair outside, so she could enjoy the lovely summer afternoons. It was a love of gentleness, trust and faithfulness. It was true passion. Not intense uncontrollable sexual desire, but rather the only option. To them, they had made their choice... and they didn't look back, contemplating other options. In the face of tragedy and challenge, their love was a tree. Maybe, I'm looking for someone who wants to grow a tree. Someone who has the gentleness to nurture that tiny seed. Someone who will be there to water it and watch it grow. Someone who will be there in the summer when the leaves are full and gorgeous green. Someone who will be there in the autumn, when the leaves put on a fireworks show and then fall and blow away. Someone who will be there in the winter, when everything is bleak and bare and dark and cold. Someone who will stay until the spring, because they know the leaves are going to grow again. Maybe I'm waiting for someone who wants to grow a tree. So, that is my answer. I'll get married when I find someone I want to grow a tree alongside, hand in hand and heart in heart. You can be fine with that or you can go on wishing I would jump into something with someone who wants to eat chocolate and strawberries and jump into oceans of this moment and recreate all the mistakes you made that led to your current bitter miserable state. Because they say, misery loves company. But you can keep your misery. And I guess I try and hold on to my tree growing dream... just a little longer. Respectfully yours in respect and kinship...
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Really, it's none of your business, but respectfully, I'm looking to grow a tree.
You have a big nose... And you're rude. Oh and by the way, it's really none of your business... really. I mean REALLY. :)
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
I love you...
Sometimes, those are the most difficult words to say... primarily because of the possible rejection that ensues. I am compelled to say them... I love you. Even when you tell me you hate me; I love you. When you take my time for granted; I love you. When you just expect, because I've always given; I love you. When you are moody; I love you. When you are selfish; I love you. When you argue and are stubborn; I love you. When you make bad choices; I love you. When you make good choices; I love you. When you challenge me; I love you. When you are silly; I love you. When you make mistakes; I love you. When you do the right thing; I love you. When you make me laugh; I love you. When you make me cry; I love you. When you drive me crazy; I love you. When I don't get to see you or we lose contact; I love you. When you think you're too old; I love you. When you think you're too cool; I love you. When I see God's fingerprints in your life; I love you. You are valuable. You are smart. You are beautiful beyond reason. You are special. You are AMAZING. God has big plans for you. I hope you can see it... the bright future that He is laying out before you. Take the narrow path. The road less traveled. Be patient. Be kind. Be faithful. Be honest. Be thankful. Be compassionate. LOVE; even when no one loves you in return. Forgive; even when it isn't deserved. Believe; even when you can't hear, see, feel or touch. Laugh; because it does you good, heart, body and soul. Just never laugh at another person's expense. Remember, we are all part of one another. You can change the world. Start by always following the golden rule. Love God. Honor your parents. Respect your teachers. Value your friends. When you have questions, I will help you find answers. When you need to talk, I will listen. When you hug me, I will store it in a special place in my memory and bring it out on a stormy day. And always remember that I love you!
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
a concession
Honestly, I dislike seeing you.
Preferably, You would be invisible.
Aesthetically, You marr my vista.
I look away, I do something, anything, so I don't have to face you.
I'm sorry.
Truthfully, I could be you.
Frightfully, You are a part of me.
Apologetically, I need you.
I see you, falling, grappling, oozing in the grotesqueness of mischance.
I shudder.
Inwardly, You are beautiful.
Socially, Tracks divide us.
Outwardly, You are a nusiance.
If only, I would view you in a different light... the light of sun through stained glass.
I ponder.
Painfully, I admit my own horror.
Remorsefully, I claim my disregard.
Hopefully, I will make amends.
Somehow, I pray that grace will find you, the way it found me, saved me... from being you.
I reflect.
Faithfully, He is patient.
Lovingly, He looks at you and me.
Tenderly, He reminds us.
It is grace and love, mercy built upon mercy. Truth, patience, forgiveness.
I surrender.
Longingly, I desire more.
Consistently, I fall short.
Continually, Grace is needed.
A collection of snapshots taken in my head and played in a slideshow.
I discover.
Collectively, we are all the same.
Necessarily, we are obligated.
Fortunately, There is still time.
A chance is given, an opportunity taken, a groundwork laid.
I concede.
Preferably, You would be invisible.
Aesthetically, You marr my vista.
I look away, I do something, anything, so I don't have to face you.
I'm sorry.
Truthfully, I could be you.
Frightfully, You are a part of me.
Apologetically, I need you.
I see you, falling, grappling, oozing in the grotesqueness of mischance.
I shudder.
Inwardly, You are beautiful.
Socially, Tracks divide us.
Outwardly, You are a nusiance.
If only, I would view you in a different light... the light of sun through stained glass.
I ponder.
Painfully, I admit my own horror.
Remorsefully, I claim my disregard.
Hopefully, I will make amends.
Somehow, I pray that grace will find you, the way it found me, saved me... from being you.
I reflect.
Faithfully, He is patient.
Lovingly, He looks at you and me.
Tenderly, He reminds us.
It is grace and love, mercy built upon mercy. Truth, patience, forgiveness.
I surrender.
Longingly, I desire more.
Consistently, I fall short.
Continually, Grace is needed.
A collection of snapshots taken in my head and played in a slideshow.
I discover.
Collectively, we are all the same.
Necessarily, we are obligated.
Fortunately, There is still time.
A chance is given, an opportunity taken, a groundwork laid.
I concede.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Tidbits for Today: fixing
I love the song "Fix You" by Coldplay...
I'm sorry if you only listen to Christian music and I hope you can refrain from writing me off as hyper-carnal.
But I digress... I love the song, the lyrics...
"When you try your best, but you don't succeed.
When you get what you want and not what you need.
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep.
Stuck in reverse.
And the tears come streaming down your face.
When you lose something you can't replace.
When you love someone, but it goes to waste.
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home.
And ignite your bones.
And I will try to fix you.
And high up above or down below.
When you're too in love to let it go.
But if you never try you'll never know.
Just what you're worth.
Lights will guide you home.
And ignite your bones.
And I will try to fix you.
Tears stream down your face.
When you lose something you can't replace.
Tears stream down your face.
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes.
Tears stream down your face.
Lights will guide you home.
And ignite your bones.
And I will try to fix you."
I guess maybe why I really relate to this song is I need fixing.
But I know that God can fix me... he doesn't have to TRY.
"Lights will guide you home.
And ignite your bones.
And I will fix you."
That's all.
I'm sorry if you only listen to Christian music and I hope you can refrain from writing me off as hyper-carnal.
But I digress... I love the song, the lyrics...
"When you try your best, but you don't succeed.
When you get what you want and not what you need.
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep.
Stuck in reverse.
And the tears come streaming down your face.
When you lose something you can't replace.
When you love someone, but it goes to waste.
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home.
And ignite your bones.
And I will try to fix you.
And high up above or down below.
When you're too in love to let it go.
But if you never try you'll never know.
Just what you're worth.
Lights will guide you home.
And ignite your bones.
And I will try to fix you.
Tears stream down your face.
When you lose something you can't replace.
Tears stream down your face.
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes.
Tears stream down your face.
Lights will guide you home.
And ignite your bones.
And I will try to fix you."
I guess maybe why I really relate to this song is I need fixing.
But I know that God can fix me... he doesn't have to TRY.
"Lights will guide you home.
And ignite your bones.
And I will fix you."
That's all.
Arguments with God
I don't know about anyone else, but sometimes I argue with God.
I don't set out to argue.
I mean I don't wake up in the morning and say, Today, I think I'll argue with God.
Nope.
This morning, I engaged in what might seem to be an exercise in futility.
However, it was not futile.
{futile: incapable of producing any result; ineffective; useless; not successful}
Perhaps, it was more of a discussion than an argument.
Maybe, actually, it was more like God interjecting his wisdom into my thoughts...
And I didn't recognize it through several thoughts and responses.
Whatever it was, it went like this.
X person doesn't even want to believe in you.{You don't see him the way I see him}
I don't see how I can get through to him. Nothing I say makes a difference. {Rachelle, you can't see the work I'm doing}
He's a hopeless case. {Do you doubt my power?}
At this point, the argument was over...
I was filled with conviction, because, honestly, sometimes I forget God is sovereign.
I mean, I know God is sovereign.
I realize that God is bigger than my mortal mind can comprehend.
He is vast, tremendous, immeasurable.
God is the creator of the entire universe...
{In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. The same was in the beginning with God. All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life; and the life was the light of men. And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not. John 1:1-5}
It's just sometimes, oft times, I look at my surroundings and circumstances through eyes of darkness.
I cannot change someone's mind.
I cannot fix them.
I cannot perform miracles.
Turn water into wine.
Feed 5000+ people with 5 loaves and 2 fishes.
And somehow I try and merge my concept God with my humanity.
But...
GOD is not human.
God is immortal.
Powerful.
AMAZING.
{Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only wise God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen. I Timothy 1:17}
{That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give unto you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of him: The eyes of your understanding being enlightened ; that ye may know what is the hope of his calling, and what the riches of the glory of his inheritance in the saints, And what is the exceeding greatness of his power to us-ward who believe , according to the working of his mighty power, Which he wrought in Christ, when he raised him from the dead, and set him at his own right hand in the heavenly places, Far above all principality, and power, and might, and dominion, and every name that is named , not only in this world, but also in that which is to come: And hath put all things under his feet, and gave him to be the head over all things to the church, Which is his body, the fulness of him that filleth all in all. Ephesians 1:17-23}
Power far above all these earthly things.
Power and authority that I cannot even begin to fathom.
I mean, if He can insert his wisdom, conviction and hope right into my thoughts, not my prayers, but my thoughts...
How can I not expect him to work on X person's behalf?
How can I doubt his working, just because I cannot see it with my eyes of darkness?
How can I...
And there is the problem.
He CAN.
And there is the solution.
{I can do all things THROUGH CHRIST which strengtheneth me. Philippians 4:13}
I can because He can...
And it doesn't stop there.
{And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:23}
{For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Jeremiah 29:11}
He is working it all out.
All I have to do is TRUST.
Sounds simple, but I struggle greatly with trusting.
But I'll save that for another post.
I don't set out to argue.
I mean I don't wake up in the morning and say, Today, I think I'll argue with God.
Nope.
This morning, I engaged in what might seem to be an exercise in futility.
However, it was not futile.
{futile: incapable of producing any result; ineffective; useless; not successful}
Perhaps, it was more of a discussion than an argument.
Maybe, actually, it was more like God interjecting his wisdom into my thoughts...
And I didn't recognize it through several thoughts and responses.
Whatever it was, it went like this.
X person doesn't even want to believe in you.{You don't see him the way I see him}
I don't see how I can get through to him. Nothing I say makes a difference. {Rachelle, you can't see the work I'm doing}
He's a hopeless case. {Do you doubt my power?}
At this point, the argument was over...
I was filled with conviction, because, honestly, sometimes I forget God is sovereign.
I mean, I know God is sovereign.
I realize that God is bigger than my mortal mind can comprehend.
He is vast, tremendous, immeasurable.
God is the creator of the entire universe...
{In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. The same was in the beginning with God. All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life; and the life was the light of men. And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not. John 1:1-5}
It's just sometimes, oft times, I look at my surroundings and circumstances through eyes of darkness.
I cannot change someone's mind.
I cannot fix them.
I cannot perform miracles.
Turn water into wine.
Feed 5000+ people with 5 loaves and 2 fishes.
And somehow I try and merge my concept God with my humanity.
But...
GOD is not human.
God is immortal.
Powerful.
AMAZING.
{Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only wise God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen. I Timothy 1:17}
{That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give unto you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of him: The eyes of your understanding being enlightened ; that ye may know what is the hope of his calling, and what the riches of the glory of his inheritance in the saints, And what is the exceeding greatness of his power to us-ward who believe , according to the working of his mighty power, Which he wrought in Christ, when he raised him from the dead, and set him at his own right hand in the heavenly places, Far above all principality, and power, and might, and dominion, and every name that is named , not only in this world, but also in that which is to come: And hath put all things under his feet, and gave him to be the head over all things to the church, Which is his body, the fulness of him that filleth all in all. Ephesians 1:17-23}
Power far above all these earthly things.
Power and authority that I cannot even begin to fathom.
I mean, if He can insert his wisdom, conviction and hope right into my thoughts, not my prayers, but my thoughts...
How can I not expect him to work on X person's behalf?
How can I doubt his working, just because I cannot see it with my eyes of darkness?
How can I...
And there is the problem.
He CAN.
And there is the solution.
{I can do all things THROUGH CHRIST which strengtheneth me. Philippians 4:13}
I can because He can...
And it doesn't stop there.
{And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:23}
{For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Jeremiah 29:11}
He is working it all out.
All I have to do is TRUST.
Sounds simple, but I struggle greatly with trusting.
But I'll save that for another post.
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